you say potato, I say placenta

I am beyond alarmed that celebrities like Holly Madison and stupid January Jones think that placenta makes a nice little snack. I am fully aware that Holly Madison is no stranger to putting random items in her mouth but this is wayyyy too much! If I think this is a bad idea then people should reconsider their plans to take a bite out of the ole umbilical cord. As a reformed consumer of weird items, I draw the line at eating deodorant, glue, markers, stamp pads, and lady bugs. If you have to give in to the placenta craving, make sure to follow it up with a tasty gulp of colostrum and a chug of meconium. Time for lunch!

Dancing with the Stars Roundup

OMG I am so excited that DWTS announced their new line-up today. Let's be clear here there is exactly zero "stars" in this new cast but there is a good chance that we will see a dog in a tux and a hippo in an evening gown. The dog of course is Jiggy from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the hippo is none other than Wynonna Judd! I do have a fear that Jiggy's alopecia will be affected by the excessive spray tanning and that he might get stomped on and killed. I am even more worried that Kelly Pickler will sing...the horror! If I was a casting agent for DWTS my dream cast would be: 1) Suri Cruise 2)Britney Spears 3)Richard Simmons 4) Naomi Campbell 5) Webster 6) Roy (from Siegfried and Roy) 7) Al Sharpton 8) Dame Judi Dench 9) Elmo 10) Burt Reynolds 11) Rachel Dratch 12) Pauly D

my faux Oscar tweets

-Why the hell did my mom just say Seth McFarlane is cute? He looks like the love child of Peter Brady and Cheri Oteri -Dear Brandi Glanville it's the Oscars not the Golden Globes...please keep your areolas to yourself -my mom just called and asked me if Charlize Theron was an Amazon. When I told her she was from South Africa she seemed to think that meant the same thing #geographylessonswithmymom -I only like Jennifer Lawrence when she dresses slutty...I know you are boinking Bradley Cooper....knock it off with the white dress Fancy -Again why is Kelly Rowland at the Oscars? Still not sure why she was at the Grammys #2007called -I say let that kid from Beasts of the Southern Wild win if she in fact dresses like a hushpuppy -drinking game alert...any time Anne Hathaway tries tell a joke, take a drink and then punch a kitten

Blue Ivy's competition

Well Kimye is expecting a girl. I would project whoredom but I will give the fetus a break for now. I have big hopes for this little lady. Playboy spread, a vagaratzi shot, a nfl, mlb, and nba boyfriend, and kmart clothing line...all by her 2nd birthday. Until then I can only wait in anticipation for this ridiculous name. I would like to offer a slew of names altered to start with K: 1) K-stew 2 (it has a ring to it and if the baby comes out moody even better) 2)Karmen Electra-from one whore to another 3)Kareem-Paula Abdul Jabbar West 4)Kashmere-overpriced and overrated 5)Kolonic- if you are born with a famous pooper it seems fitting to be named after an anal cleansing procedure 6) Khlamydia 7)Kenya Armenian West-heritage shout out what what! 8)Kitty Galore 9)Kodak Fuji-for true fame whores 10)Kamel Toelle-my top choice

noodles my new cat

If I in fact manage to finish my dissertation in the next month I offer a few suggestions for my graduation gifts: 1) I want this kitten and his tiny keyboard. I want that cat to purr the blues to me in my sleep. His full name will be Doc McNoodles 2) a collection of loafers (I love loafers so much!) 3) gift certificate for hair extensions. I am sick of Katy telling me I have short hair. 4) a graduation party with a visit from G.O.A.T. AND the Black Diamond 5) a signed petition that states that Hart of Dixie and Emily Owens will be back for one more season

turtles in a half shell...turtle power

It is a rainy cold day but celebrity news has been heating up. I am obsessed with movie remakes, stupid baby names, and celebrity couples. 1) I am beyond thrilled that there will be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. In my mind I could picture Emma Watson playing April O'Neil but I will have to settle with stinking Megan Fox. Michael Bay is directing so the slim chance of this movie having a plot is over. I do hope that Shia LaBouf is cast because he likes to show is turtle head.....wocka wocka 2) Victoria Beckham is having her 5th kid. I still do not understand why her daughter looks 10 years old that she is carrying around. She is the same age as Olive and outweighs her by 40 lbs. I blame Suri Cruise. Why? Because the kid is evil 3) STUPID STUPID celebrity baby names: Jessica Simpson is naming her son or daughter Ace and Wiz Khalifa's kid is being called "The Bash" Naming your kids after drinks isn't so bad now is it? 4) Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are dunzo after 8 years of marriage.....um she had had to call the cops numerous times. He is the not same Brandon I love from Goonies.

you are NOT the father

Today I owe Michael Jackson an apology. I may have gagged when he kissed Lisa Marie Presley. I might still laugh a little bit when I think of his stupid video Scream. And most importantly I may have questioned his parenting choices for flinging his kid over a balcony and making them wear masks and scarves to cover their faces. However, I am sorry for all of my repulsions and negative feelings circa 1994 to the present. My new Jackson nemesis is Prince Michael. After watching Prince Michael in his first gig as a host on Entertainment Tonight, I too would like to jump off a balcony. Prince Michael is one hell of a weirdo and lacks any talent whatsoever. I believe his big interview question for the cast of Oz was "was it like awesome making the movie?" I bet that Jermajesty Jackson would be a better host and I would like to request this replacement to immediately happen.

hill jack/ phone jack

I was greeted in my office today by a cartoon character that had been brought life. This "man" had a rabbit fur trapper hat on and only 2 teeth in his mouth. I swear that I have seen this guy in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He was here to fix my phone and thought it was "realllll funny" that I was working on a computer. Um okay? So he left and I resumed work. While on the phone with my dr. my new office phone started ringing. I could not answer it so the voice mail picked up and the only semi-intelligible noise that was present was a "yeepee!" I am assuming that it was my new boyfriend and yeepee was code word for "you got a purty mouth." Now I have to worry about squittens and hill jacks all in one week! I need a vacay ASAP!

what the squitten?

I do not think it is too much to ask that when you hear a feral meowing noise coming from a tree that it should only belong to a cat. I was planning on a attempting a cat rape intervention when I heard a screeching meow coming from a tree. With my closer view, I realized that a horny tree rat (AKA squirrel) was trying to seduce me. I want to live in a world where squirrels only eat nuts and frolic amongst themselves. After returning to my office I thought I would shake off my anxiety of being face to face with a creeper by surfing the web. Nope, my damn curiosity has freaked me out even more because I stumbled upon a term "squitten." Apparently a "Squitten" is a term used to describe supposed cat-squirrel hybrids. I would like to start a campaign, PASS. People against squirrel sex. I cannot handle the thought of seeing a kitten with an acorn in it's mouth. I am going to have nightmares tonight!

if they can't make it, then who can?

Of course the worst news of all time happens on a Monday....Ethan Zohn and Jenna Morasca break up after 10 years of dating. I have been eagerly anticipating a Survivor themed wedding for a long time. Why would God let this happen? They survive All-Stars and cancer and now they break up! What's next a Rihanna and Chris Brown engagement? I am crawling under my desk....the tribe has spoken :(

shoes, shirts, and still problems

Like all parents with small children, evenings that are child-free are times you can get real crazy. By crazy I mean go out for the ole dinner and a movie. Jason and I were excited to eat our way across Lexington this weekend and soon realized why it is better to eat at home. We waited no less than an hour both evenings that we went out for dinner and then waited at least 30 minutes to receive our food after we ordered. For anyone who knows me, especially you Katy Head, you know I become a Yosemite Sam nightmare when I have to wait and/or receive bad service. My temper was tested when we decided to go to TGIFs for the worst dining experience of my life. From the waiting area, TGIF could be monikers for "that guy is fat," "those guys in frats," or my favorite "that gremlin is freaky." The last one refers to a child/man (not sure)that looked equal parts Webster and flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz. Despite him crawling around/slash eating bread sticks at an alarming rate, he looked like he had better time than we did. Besides the creepy people waiting we also had to deal with sloppy 1 and sloppy 2, our hostesses. While waiting, Jason and I soon realized that sloppy 1 and 2 were purposefully not handing out buzzers so they could pick and choose who they seated. So cute guy that came in 20 minutes after Jason and I got seated. I may or may not have gotten aggressive with sloppy hostess #1 and got a seat. Things went bad to worse when our waitress came to our table with a side pony tail and the table behind us that got seated involved 10 guys wearing Ed Hardy. When I saw what was around me I put my head on the table and in the process ripped my earring out of my ear. So both Jason and I (and Gremlin child) crawled on the floor to find the remnants of my ear (well earrings). The only good thing that occurred at this horrific meal is that Jason and I bonded over the terrible experience, I got to yell at a stranger, and one of the guys behind us fell out of his chair in a drunken stupor. Next Lent I am giving up eating out in restaurants, having uncontrollable stranger rage, and my usual peeves ( helicopters, meat slicers, revolving doors, mini corn at Chinese restaurants, rodents, and moving library shelves).

people watching

Last night Jason and I went out for dinner. Because we are nimrods we decided to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to get a bowl of pasta. We always play a waiting game of which celebrity does that person look like? We saw a few d listers but mainly I got to hear my husband talk too loudly and coin my new favorite Jasonisms: 1) he was annoyed as a family of gingers came in and stood right in front of him while he was sitting down and asked if they could move "the carrot bus" elsewhere and 2) a teen couple were extra smoochy and Jason told me that the girl looked like her face was flattened by a rolling pin. She then was coined Persian Cat for the duration of our wait. When we finally got seated I had a conversation with our waitress about her classes thinking she was my student and I was kindly informed she did not go to UK...fail! So I become a total weirdo. We then got a new weirdo since I semi stalked the old one and the guy gave us a lot of that's what she said throughout our meal. Ah romance alive and well!

The Facebook shakes

So it has been three days and I have the Facebook shakes. I feel like Dr. Drew needs to pop in my office for an intervention. I am Molly and I am a Facebookaholic. I am one step away from being Gary Busey (except I have working tear ducts and a cerebral cortex). I miss looking at profile pics, getting stupid Bubble Witch saga requests from my mom, and even the idiotic warning emails about unmarked police cars from Jason's aunt. I know in AA you are supposed to talk about what you don't miss like peeing in your closet or making out with a monkey or something of this nature so I will try to think of the 10 things I don't miss about Facebook.... 1) Vacation pics...when I am stuck in Lexington 2) scanned copies of kid's report cards. I want to kick your honor kid's ass! 3) Illness updates...we get it you have another sinus infection 4)political postings over Novemeber 5)I'm thankful postings 6)Facebook challenges-fill out this survey if you think you know me...nope 7) Facebook requests on personal issues...."should I have another kid?" If you have to ask on Facebook then let me tell you.....no! 8)pics of ugly babies-- yep I said it! I think your kid has crossed eyes and beaver teeth. And why is your 5 year old wearing pull ups with a pacifier? Future serial killers....absolutely yes! 9)mom posts about how hot they are. I know a woman who constantly puts bikini pics and pics of themselves dressing up in old prom dresses because she can....."Can you believe my prom dress still fits?" "Why do people always think I have implants?" These are real FB excerpts that make me want to hit the bottle. These posts reek of desperation and Mean Girls was only cute because it pertained to high school. If you are over 30 and still wear a prom dress, then you need to be clocked. 10) the worst one by far that I do not miss is couples putting "I love you, babe" messages to each other. Call one another or don't...just don't make me barf with wall PDA!

Valentines Smalentines

I would like to shoot Cupid in the butt today because Valentine's day has started off really gross. First, my Taylor Swift inspired sweater is a lint ball. Second, my favorite South African Olympian is a murderer. Hey Oscar haven't you seen the Fugitive? If you are missing limbs don't murder anyone...duh! Third, I find it real gross that Steve Martin is going to be a father. Don't be a Jerk (wocka wocka) and have a kid when you are 64. Finally, Conor Kennedy got arrested for disorderly conduct. In my mind he was holding a boom box over his head in front of Tay Tay's window. Despite today's headlines I am going to put myself in a good mood by grading with my favorite red pen and listening to my favorite romantic song sang by a blind singer, Angel Eyes by the Jeff Healy Band

What the Wednesday?

Started off the day on a positive note for Ash Wednesday…this ended 5 minutes later when I brewed my Keurig coffee without putting a mug under it. Doh! Next headed to Mass and watched my son’s nemesis suck his thumb and poke a girl in the butt in mass. I not only gave him the stink eye (in church nonetheless) but I told his teacher. Take that ya 5 year old! Followed up Mass to a trip to Target where Sally in returns took it upon herself to dab my forehead with her chicken poop finger to wipe off my dirt. It is only 10 am…the rest of my day should be a crap shoot! Celebrity news I am obsessed with today 1) Alex Baldwin and his yoga instructor trophy wife are having a baby. I hope they did not conceive the baby in the downward facing dog. 2) Jami Lynn Sigler is pregnant…..don’t really care 3) I need someone to buy/steal Banana Joe for me

Your baby's so wombilicious?

I have heard many cray cray things lately but the topper has to be from the Queen B Beyonce. So let me get this straight Beyonce and her baby had a conversation during birth…hmm? That uterus must have better acoustics than Madison Square Garden because everyone knows that the only baby to have ever communicated from the chute was Suri Cruise traveling with Xenu to planet Earth! http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/02/12/beyonce-vogue-cover-talked-to-blue-during-birth/