My best friend had a baby today

Anyone who knows me knows I have a parasocial friendship with Kristen Bell. I love her and think we could be best friends. She had a real cute baby today (I mean I haven't seen a pic but I know she is cute) and names her Lincoln Bell. I enjoy any name that could be a dog name so this works for me. Congrats Kristen, may your baby love Aunt Molly

It's a dick in a box

I read an article this weekend that talked about how creative and brave Tilda Swinton is for "performing" her sleep in a box exhibit at an art museum. As a tired mom who works way too much, I too would be willing to sleep in a box in public if it gave me a little time to take a nap. I If this is in fact art, what the heck is not art? I have always thought that Tilda Swinton is creepy and overrated, but this proves how stupid she is. I would rather see Andy Samburg's dick in a box then pay to see this gal take a nap.

You better twerk you jerk!

This week has been so bad that if I don't get my mojo back I am going to pull an Amanda Bynes and get my cheeks pierced and then buy a unicorn onesie and twerk it like Miley. Cosmo and I tried to twerk it and I got winded after one booty bounce.....so operation join the gym again has to happen Monday. The only saving grace is the stupid celebrity scoop of the week: 1-Amanda Bynes needs to have her twitter account revoked since she asked Drake to murder her vagina-um gross! 2-Jennifer Capriati was Jennifer Caprinaughty and beat the crap out of her boyfriend...somewhere Chris Brown says thanks 3-Johnathan Taylor Thomas resurfaces after 15+ years and looks the exact same. Too bad the same can't be said for the fugly kid from Jerry Maguire I hope next week involves an Olsen twin, Tom Cruise, and Shiloh Pitt

What the Kanye?

Just when I thought Kamel Toe and Kashmere would be the worst possible baby names, stupid Kanye west announces he wants to name baby Kimye....North West! WTH! I wish Taylor Swift would have broke Kanye's malformed jaw when she had the chance because this is such a stupid name. Shouldn't a baby be smart enough to find north west on a map? Somewhere Holly Madison and Rainbow Aurora are having a laugh about this one and then sharing the pole

A tiger never changes his stripes

I am as grossed out about Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn as I am about turtlenecks, spandex, and skin tags. What would possess a woman to think a guy who cheated on his wife with roughly 16 women would turn over another leaf? This would be like Jesse James removing tattoos and becoming a born again virgin like the stinkin Bachelor. My guess is that Tiger is into Lindsey because a) she looks kind of like Elin (only he can understand her) and b) he is hoping that she has sustained enough head trauma on the slopes to forget about his creeper ways. To pull myself out of this Tiger funk I am going to watch the best/grossest thing on t.v. this week.....Kathy Lee and Hoda revealing their bikini line designs...yikes!

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a chickpea farmer?

Last night I took a potential ph.d student to dinner and low and behold my weirdo magnet attracted the freakiest of the freaky. As my dinner colleague and I shared sandwiches and a little hummus we noticed a crunchy hippie guy staring at us from across the room. I attributed this as a possible vegetarian connection with the fellow vegetarian dining with me. Maybe they could smell each other's asparagus lunch? Who knows? Nope, that would make too much sense. The man came over as we were getting our coats on and told us, "I am a chickpea cultivator and I will lose sleep tonight knowing you left some of the hummus on your plate. Could I eat the rest of your appetizer?" This guy was not homeless or look like what I picture a chick pea farmer to look like *note picture* Rather this guy was kind of normal, had already paid and eaten his own dinner, and looked like a skinny Seth Rogen. So what the hell would possess someone to eat off of a strangers plate? I will take a bite out of the side of a cow if it means that I never resort to garbanzo stalking. The things he probably does to those beans.....wonder what his secret hummus recipe is??????? YUCK!

Michelle Tanner 2.0

As a mom, there are many horrifying things that can send chills down your spine. Barring real serious issues, the biggest shocker and form of pain for me this week has occurred at Wal-mart when a man told me Olive looked like an Olsen twin. I am positive my child does NOT look like a Treasure Troll and will not date a gross Frenchmen someday while frowning and wearing terrible clothing. Even worse then this "compliment" was that my husband thought it would be funny to teach Olive to say "you got it dude!" I am one day away from pulling an Uncle Joey and telling him to cut it out. Or better yet I am going to pull an Uncle Jesse and join the Beach Boys on a reunion tour. At least I have never been told my child looks Adam Sandler's daughter or worse Suri...eek!

Forget the Rachel, I had the Bonnie

Today I am a little sad as my former hair icon Bonnie Franklin has passed away. As a child, I had many terrible hairdos but the worst by far was my Bonnie Franklin. This cut surpasses "the Rachel" or any other popular hair trend because it is a bowl/shag that eclipses your head like a ring around Saturn. Rest in peace Bonnie! Your memory lives on in my childhood pics!