the ole facebook cock block

I know the definition of a facebook cock block is:When a desperate girl or woman (typically overweight) lights up your Facebook with comments that make it appear as if the two of you are dating. Yet, I also think it is a relevant definition for people who kill your status updates with sappy, sentimental, or irrelevant posts. So I ask: Why on earth do people feel the need to counter my snarky facebook updates with nice remarks or irrelevant posts? If I say I am having a case of the Mondays that is not an invitation to tell me your cat has feline leukemia or your grandma broke a hip. If I write about mutant with 1 eye from church, do not write that you bet he is a nice fella. That is a no shit sherlock comment. I need witty banter involving turkey d, turkey die, Sammy Davis Jr. only had 1 eye. But really what do you do if you constantly have people write nice or stupey comments on your status updates? I want celebrity posts and sarcastic quips...anything else = no dice for me! And if I tell you your kid is cute, return the favor duh!

Catherine Zeta Jones called and wants her breakdown back

Ok I am one tired woman this week and would like a mini vacay sans any family or friends to just go away, read a little, watch CW shows, and nap. If all I need to do is pledge exhaustion to get a trip to the crazy bin for a week or two...I am in! Catherine Zeta Jones and Ashley Judd, pass a little crazy brew my way because I am ready to do what it takes to get a few hours of sleep and rest.

debbie downer called and she wants her status update back

I pride myself on having a good Facebook post once in a while and nothing is worse than when you have a good convo going on your wall and someone interrupts with a debbie downer statement. If I am talking about celebrity nonsense please do not insert yourself into my conversation to tell me your kids are sick, your dog has the poops, or make a political comment. Save that serious business for a Fox tweet or knock it off. I do not want anything meaningful on my wall unless it is you commenting on me looking like I a lost a pound or two. If you think about uttering my kid is an honor student, Gaza Strip, or stomach bug....punch yourself in the face and unfriend me ASAP!

My best friend had a baby today

Anyone who knows me knows I have a parasocial friendship with Kristen Bell. I love her and think we could be best friends. She had a real cute baby today (I mean I haven't seen a pic but I know she is cute) and names her Lincoln Bell. I enjoy any name that could be a dog name so this works for me. Congrats Kristen, may your baby love Aunt Molly

It's a dick in a box

I read an article this weekend that talked about how creative and brave Tilda Swinton is for "performing" her sleep in a box exhibit at an art museum. As a tired mom who works way too much, I too would be willing to sleep in a box in public if it gave me a little time to take a nap. I If this is in fact art, what the heck is not art? I have always thought that Tilda Swinton is creepy and overrated, but this proves how stupid she is. I would rather see Andy Samburg's dick in a box then pay to see this gal take a nap.

You better twerk you jerk!

This week has been so bad that if I don't get my mojo back I am going to pull an Amanda Bynes and get my cheeks pierced and then buy a unicorn onesie and twerk it like Miley. Cosmo and I tried to twerk it and I got winded after one booty bounce.....so operation join the gym again has to happen Monday. The only saving grace is the stupid celebrity scoop of the week: 1-Amanda Bynes needs to have her twitter account revoked since she asked Drake to murder her vagina-um gross! 2-Jennifer Capriati was Jennifer Caprinaughty and beat the crap out of her boyfriend...somewhere Chris Brown says thanks 3-Johnathan Taylor Thomas resurfaces after 15+ years and looks the exact same. Too bad the same can't be said for the fugly kid from Jerry Maguire I hope next week involves an Olsen twin, Tom Cruise, and Shiloh Pitt

What the Kanye?

Just when I thought Kamel Toe and Kashmere would be the worst possible baby names, stupid Kanye west announces he wants to name baby Kimye....North West! WTH! I wish Taylor Swift would have broke Kanye's malformed jaw when she had the chance because this is such a stupid name. Shouldn't a baby be smart enough to find north west on a map? Somewhere Holly Madison and Rainbow Aurora are having a laugh about this one and then sharing the pole

A tiger never changes his stripes

I am as grossed out about Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn as I am about turtlenecks, spandex, and skin tags. What would possess a woman to think a guy who cheated on his wife with roughly 16 women would turn over another leaf? This would be like Jesse James removing tattoos and becoming a born again virgin like the stinkin Bachelor. My guess is that Tiger is into Lindsey because a) she looks kind of like Elin (only he can understand her) and b) he is hoping that she has sustained enough head trauma on the slopes to forget about his creeper ways. To pull myself out of this Tiger funk I am going to watch the best/grossest thing on t.v. this week.....Kathy Lee and Hoda revealing their bikini line designs...yikes!

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's a chickpea farmer?

Last night I took a potential ph.d student to dinner and low and behold my weirdo magnet attracted the freakiest of the freaky. As my dinner colleague and I shared sandwiches and a little hummus we noticed a crunchy hippie guy staring at us from across the room. I attributed this as a possible vegetarian connection with the fellow vegetarian dining with me. Maybe they could smell each other's asparagus lunch? Who knows? Nope, that would make too much sense. The man came over as we were getting our coats on and told us, "I am a chickpea cultivator and I will lose sleep tonight knowing you left some of the hummus on your plate. Could I eat the rest of your appetizer?" This guy was not homeless or look like what I picture a chick pea farmer to look like *note picture* Rather this guy was kind of normal, had already paid and eaten his own dinner, and looked like a skinny Seth Rogen. So what the hell would possess someone to eat off of a strangers plate? I will take a bite out of the side of a cow if it means that I never resort to garbanzo stalking. The things he probably does to those beans.....wonder what his secret hummus recipe is??????? YUCK!

Michelle Tanner 2.0

As a mom, there are many horrifying things that can send chills down your spine. Barring real serious issues, the biggest shocker and form of pain for me this week has occurred at Wal-mart when a man told me Olive looked like an Olsen twin. I am positive my child does NOT look like a Treasure Troll and will not date a gross Frenchmen someday while frowning and wearing terrible clothing. Even worse then this "compliment" was that my husband thought it would be funny to teach Olive to say "you got it dude!" I am one day away from pulling an Uncle Joey and telling him to cut it out. Or better yet I am going to pull an Uncle Jesse and join the Beach Boys on a reunion tour. At least I have never been told my child looks Adam Sandler's daughter or worse Suri...eek!

Forget the Rachel, I had the Bonnie

Today I am a little sad as my former hair icon Bonnie Franklin has passed away. As a child, I had many terrible hairdos but the worst by far was my Bonnie Franklin. This cut surpasses "the Rachel" or any other popular hair trend because it is a bowl/shag that eclipses your head like a ring around Saturn. Rest in peace Bonnie! Your memory lives on in my childhood pics!

you say potato, I say placenta

I am beyond alarmed that celebrities like Holly Madison and stupid January Jones think that placenta makes a nice little snack. I am fully aware that Holly Madison is no stranger to putting random items in her mouth but this is wayyyy too much! If I think this is a bad idea then people should reconsider their plans to take a bite out of the ole umbilical cord. As a reformed consumer of weird items, I draw the line at eating deodorant, glue, markers, stamp pads, and lady bugs. If you have to give in to the placenta craving, make sure to follow it up with a tasty gulp of colostrum and a chug of meconium. Time for lunch!

Dancing with the Stars Roundup

OMG I am so excited that DWTS announced their new line-up today. Let's be clear here there is exactly zero "stars" in this new cast but there is a good chance that we will see a dog in a tux and a hippo in an evening gown. The dog of course is Jiggy from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and the hippo is none other than Wynonna Judd! I do have a fear that Jiggy's alopecia will be affected by the excessive spray tanning and that he might get stomped on and killed. I am even more worried that Kelly Pickler will sing...the horror! If I was a casting agent for DWTS my dream cast would be: 1) Suri Cruise 2)Britney Spears 3)Richard Simmons 4) Naomi Campbell 5) Webster 6) Roy (from Siegfried and Roy) 7) Al Sharpton 8) Dame Judi Dench 9) Elmo 10) Burt Reynolds 11) Rachel Dratch 12) Pauly D

my faux Oscar tweets

-Why the hell did my mom just say Seth McFarlane is cute? He looks like the love child of Peter Brady and Cheri Oteri -Dear Brandi Glanville it's the Oscars not the Golden Globes...please keep your areolas to yourself -my mom just called and asked me if Charlize Theron was an Amazon. When I told her she was from South Africa she seemed to think that meant the same thing #geographylessonswithmymom -I only like Jennifer Lawrence when she dresses slutty...I know you are boinking Bradley Cooper....knock it off with the white dress Fancy -Again why is Kelly Rowland at the Oscars? Still not sure why she was at the Grammys #2007called -I say let that kid from Beasts of the Southern Wild win if she in fact dresses like a hushpuppy -drinking game alert...any time Anne Hathaway tries tell a joke, take a drink and then punch a kitten

Blue Ivy's competition

Well Kimye is expecting a girl. I would project whoredom but I will give the fetus a break for now. I have big hopes for this little lady. Playboy spread, a vagaratzi shot, a nfl, mlb, and nba boyfriend, and kmart clothing line...all by her 2nd birthday. Until then I can only wait in anticipation for this ridiculous name. I would like to offer a slew of names altered to start with K: 1) K-stew 2 (it has a ring to it and if the baby comes out moody even better) 2)Karmen Electra-from one whore to another 3)Kareem-Paula Abdul Jabbar West 4)Kashmere-overpriced and overrated 5)Kolonic- if you are born with a famous pooper it seems fitting to be named after an anal cleansing procedure 6) Khlamydia 7)Kenya Armenian West-heritage shout out what what! 8)Kitty Galore 9)Kodak Fuji-for true fame whores 10)Kamel Toelle-my top choice

noodles my new cat

If I in fact manage to finish my dissertation in the next month I offer a few suggestions for my graduation gifts: 1) I want this kitten and his tiny keyboard. I want that cat to purr the blues to me in my sleep. His full name will be Doc McNoodles 2) a collection of loafers (I love loafers so much!) 3) gift certificate for hair extensions. I am sick of Katy telling me I have short hair. 4) a graduation party with a visit from G.O.A.T. AND the Black Diamond 5) a signed petition that states that Hart of Dixie and Emily Owens will be back for one more season

turtles in a half shell...turtle power

It is a rainy cold day but celebrity news has been heating up. I am obsessed with movie remakes, stupid baby names, and celebrity couples. 1) I am beyond thrilled that there will be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. In my mind I could picture Emma Watson playing April O'Neil but I will have to settle with stinking Megan Fox. Michael Bay is directing so the slim chance of this movie having a plot is over. I do hope that Shia LaBouf is cast because he likes to show is turtle head.....wocka wocka 2) Victoria Beckham is having her 5th kid. I still do not understand why her daughter looks 10 years old that she is carrying around. She is the same age as Olive and outweighs her by 40 lbs. I blame Suri Cruise. Why? Because the kid is evil 3) STUPID STUPID celebrity baby names: Jessica Simpson is naming her son or daughter Ace and Wiz Khalifa's kid is being called "The Bash" Naming your kids after drinks isn't so bad now is it? 4) Diane Lane and Josh Brolin are dunzo after 8 years of marriage.....um she had had to call the cops numerous times. He is the not same Brandon I love from Goonies.

you are NOT the father

Today I owe Michael Jackson an apology. I may have gagged when he kissed Lisa Marie Presley. I might still laugh a little bit when I think of his stupid video Scream. And most importantly I may have questioned his parenting choices for flinging his kid over a balcony and making them wear masks and scarves to cover their faces. However, I am sorry for all of my repulsions and negative feelings circa 1994 to the present. My new Jackson nemesis is Prince Michael. After watching Prince Michael in his first gig as a host on Entertainment Tonight, I too would like to jump off a balcony. Prince Michael is one hell of a weirdo and lacks any talent whatsoever. I believe his big interview question for the cast of Oz was "was it like awesome making the movie?" I bet that Jermajesty Jackson would be a better host and I would like to request this replacement to immediately happen.

hill jack/ phone jack

I was greeted in my office today by a cartoon character that had been brought life. This "man" had a rabbit fur trapper hat on and only 2 teeth in his mouth. I swear that I have seen this guy in a Bugs Bunny cartoon. He was here to fix my phone and thought it was "realllll funny" that I was working on a computer. Um okay? So he left and I resumed work. While on the phone with my dr. my new office phone started ringing. I could not answer it so the voice mail picked up and the only semi-intelligible noise that was present was a "yeepee!" I am assuming that it was my new boyfriend and yeepee was code word for "you got a purty mouth." Now I have to worry about squittens and hill jacks all in one week! I need a vacay ASAP!

what the squitten?

I do not think it is too much to ask that when you hear a feral meowing noise coming from a tree that it should only belong to a cat. I was planning on a attempting a cat rape intervention when I heard a screeching meow coming from a tree. With my closer view, I realized that a horny tree rat (AKA squirrel) was trying to seduce me. I want to live in a world where squirrels only eat nuts and frolic amongst themselves. After returning to my office I thought I would shake off my anxiety of being face to face with a creeper by surfing the web. Nope, my damn curiosity has freaked me out even more because I stumbled upon a term "squitten." Apparently a "Squitten" is a term used to describe supposed cat-squirrel hybrids. I would like to start a campaign, PASS. People against squirrel sex. I cannot handle the thought of seeing a kitten with an acorn in it's mouth. I am going to have nightmares tonight!

if they can't make it, then who can?

Of course the worst news of all time happens on a Monday....Ethan Zohn and Jenna Morasca break up after 10 years of dating. I have been eagerly anticipating a Survivor themed wedding for a long time. Why would God let this happen? They survive All-Stars and cancer and now they break up! What's next a Rihanna and Chris Brown engagement? I am crawling under my desk....the tribe has spoken :(

shoes, shirts, and still problems

Like all parents with small children, evenings that are child-free are times you can get real crazy. By crazy I mean go out for the ole dinner and a movie. Jason and I were excited to eat our way across Lexington this weekend and soon realized why it is better to eat at home. We waited no less than an hour both evenings that we went out for dinner and then waited at least 30 minutes to receive our food after we ordered. For anyone who knows me, especially you Katy Head, you know I become a Yosemite Sam nightmare when I have to wait and/or receive bad service. My temper was tested when we decided to go to TGIFs for the worst dining experience of my life. From the waiting area, TGIF could be monikers for "that guy is fat," "those guys in frats," or my favorite "that gremlin is freaky." The last one refers to a child/man (not sure)that looked equal parts Webster and flying monkey from the Wizard of Oz. Despite him crawling around/slash eating bread sticks at an alarming rate, he looked like he had better time than we did. Besides the creepy people waiting we also had to deal with sloppy 1 and sloppy 2, our hostesses. While waiting, Jason and I soon realized that sloppy 1 and 2 were purposefully not handing out buzzers so they could pick and choose who they seated. So cute guy that came in 20 minutes after Jason and I got seated. I may or may not have gotten aggressive with sloppy hostess #1 and got a seat. Things went bad to worse when our waitress came to our table with a side pony tail and the table behind us that got seated involved 10 guys wearing Ed Hardy. When I saw what was around me I put my head on the table and in the process ripped my earring out of my ear. So both Jason and I (and Gremlin child) crawled on the floor to find the remnants of my ear (well earrings). The only good thing that occurred at this horrific meal is that Jason and I bonded over the terrible experience, I got to yell at a stranger, and one of the guys behind us fell out of his chair in a drunken stupor. Next Lent I am giving up eating out in restaurants, having uncontrollable stranger rage, and my usual peeves ( helicopters, meat slicers, revolving doors, mini corn at Chinese restaurants, rodents, and moving library shelves).

people watching

Last night Jason and I went out for dinner. Because we are nimrods we decided to wait an hour and fifteen minutes to get a bowl of pasta. We always play a waiting game of which celebrity does that person look like? We saw a few d listers but mainly I got to hear my husband talk too loudly and coin my new favorite Jasonisms: 1) he was annoyed as a family of gingers came in and stood right in front of him while he was sitting down and asked if they could move "the carrot bus" elsewhere and 2) a teen couple were extra smoochy and Jason told me that the girl looked like her face was flattened by a rolling pin. She then was coined Persian Cat for the duration of our wait. When we finally got seated I had a conversation with our waitress about her classes thinking she was my student and I was kindly informed she did not go to UK...fail! So I become a total weirdo. We then got a new weirdo since I semi stalked the old one and the guy gave us a lot of that's what she said throughout our meal. Ah romance alive and well!

The Facebook shakes

So it has been three days and I have the Facebook shakes. I feel like Dr. Drew needs to pop in my office for an intervention. I am Molly and I am a Facebookaholic. I am one step away from being Gary Busey (except I have working tear ducts and a cerebral cortex). I miss looking at profile pics, getting stupid Bubble Witch saga requests from my mom, and even the idiotic warning emails about unmarked police cars from Jason's aunt. I know in AA you are supposed to talk about what you don't miss like peeing in your closet or making out with a monkey or something of this nature so I will try to think of the 10 things I don't miss about Facebook.... 1) Vacation pics...when I am stuck in Lexington 2) scanned copies of kid's report cards. I want to kick your honor kid's ass! 3) Illness updates...we get it you have another sinus infection 4)political postings over Novemeber 5)I'm thankful postings 6)Facebook challenges-fill out this survey if you think you know me...nope 7) Facebook requests on personal issues...."should I have another kid?" If you have to ask on Facebook then let me tell you.....no! 8)pics of ugly babies-- yep I said it! I think your kid has crossed eyes and beaver teeth. And why is your 5 year old wearing pull ups with a pacifier? Future serial killers....absolutely yes! 9)mom posts about how hot they are. I know a woman who constantly puts bikini pics and pics of themselves dressing up in old prom dresses because she can....."Can you believe my prom dress still fits?" "Why do people always think I have implants?" These are real FB excerpts that make me want to hit the bottle. These posts reek of desperation and Mean Girls was only cute because it pertained to high school. If you are over 30 and still wear a prom dress, then you need to be clocked. 10) the worst one by far that I do not miss is couples putting "I love you, babe" messages to each other. Call one another or don't...just don't make me barf with wall PDA!

Valentines Smalentines

I would like to shoot Cupid in the butt today because Valentine's day has started off really gross. First, my Taylor Swift inspired sweater is a lint ball. Second, my favorite South African Olympian is a murderer. Hey Oscar haven't you seen the Fugitive? If you are missing limbs don't murder anyone...duh! Third, I find it real gross that Steve Martin is going to be a father. Don't be a Jerk (wocka wocka) and have a kid when you are 64. Finally, Conor Kennedy got arrested for disorderly conduct. In my mind he was holding a boom box over his head in front of Tay Tay's window. Despite today's headlines I am going to put myself in a good mood by grading with my favorite red pen and listening to my favorite romantic song sang by a blind singer, Angel Eyes by the Jeff Healy Band

What the Wednesday?

Started off the day on a positive note for Ash Wednesday…this ended 5 minutes later when I brewed my Keurig coffee without putting a mug under it. Doh! Next headed to Mass and watched my son’s nemesis suck his thumb and poke a girl in the butt in mass. I not only gave him the stink eye (in church nonetheless) but I told his teacher. Take that ya 5 year old! Followed up Mass to a trip to Target where Sally in returns took it upon herself to dab my forehead with her chicken poop finger to wipe off my dirt. It is only 10 am…the rest of my day should be a crap shoot! Celebrity news I am obsessed with today 1) Alex Baldwin and his yoga instructor trophy wife are having a baby. I hope they did not conceive the baby in the downward facing dog. 2) Jami Lynn Sigler is pregnant…..don’t really care 3) I need someone to buy/steal Banana Joe for me

Your baby's so wombilicious?

I have heard many cray cray things lately but the topper has to be from the Queen B Beyonce. So let me get this straight Beyonce and her baby had a conversation during birth…hmm? That uterus must have better acoustics than Madison Square Garden because everyone knows that the only baby to have ever communicated from the chute was Suri Cruise traveling with Xenu to planet Earth! http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/02/12/beyonce-vogue-cover-talked-to-blue-during-birth/